I wish I remembered the day I stopped playing. If I could go back to that day, I would hold my soft toys a little longer, make my Barbie dolls go through one last apocalyptic experience, give a final roar as a cheetah in the jungle.
Despite having moved multiple times, I still have a lot of my childhood toys with me. One toy in particular brings many fond memories. Her name is Bibi. She's a toy beagle and my parents gave her to me for my 9th birthday. I remember that day my parents told me I had a visitor waiting for me in my bedroom, and I kept guessing and guessing who it might be. When I walked in, LO AND BEHOLD, a dog! Bibi looked just like a real dog, so I remember my initial joy in the thought that I finally had a dog! I quickly realised that she was just a toy, but I was still filled with incredible joy and thankfulness towards my parents. I'm currently holding Bibi right now as I'm typing all this. She's almost 12 years old and she's been with me through a lot of life experiences. She was with me when I played pretend dance competitions with my best friend, Sophie. She was the one who sheltered my Barbies from "terrible storms" which I subjected them to in order to make my sister's tea party games slightly more action-filled. As I grew older, she sat next to my head every night when I went to bed. These days, I throw her on my chair before I go to sleep and the only time Bibi gets some action in her day is when my baby niece drags her around yelling "WOOF WOOF!". I wish I could return to the day I stopped playing. If only I knew the last time I would pack away my toys was really the last time. I feel as though I've almost betrayed my childhood by having stopped playing with them. If I knew that was the last time, maybe I would've never put them down.
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breathe... in... out... breathe... look up at the clouds floating across the blue sea we call the sky breathe... breathe in the clouds let them swirl down your soul and carry away the burdens you carry on your own up up and away! here the air is clear your weathered heart no longer tethered. floating, drifting, swirling, flying we are free to breathe Does it ever get easier? Does life ever get easier?
Just when my head hits the pillow, someone grabs me and I'm thrust to the ground once again. When the bruises are clearing away like the clouds do before a sunny blue sky appears, I'm struck yet again with a harder blow. When my heart begins to unclench these angry fists, something clamps it back to its unforgiving form. Does life ever get easier? Even with You by my side, this valley is hard to walk through. Though your rod and your staff are there to comfort and guide me, I can't help but look around and panic. The pastures look amazingly green and you're inviting me to rest, but a part of me knows that if I let myself rest, I will be disappointed because... Just when my head hits the pillow, ... the cycle continues... Losing someone always feels like a dream. They're in the photographs you put up on your shelves. You get on with your life. Dust gradually settles on the photo frames. Maybe you think of them less often now. Once in a while, you take a wet cloth to wipe the dust off the photo frames. And like the closet that led Lucy to Narnia, you're magically transported to a time and place where this person once existed.
Now you are sitting on the sofa, laughing. Your sister and aunt are playing Wii Sports, peddling the bike as fast as they can. She just came out of the shower and is now putting on some body lotion, gently chuckling at the comical scene in front of her. Put that scent in a little jar in the memory drawer of your mind. Missing someone who's already gone trains you to capture as much as you can about those who are still here. It's tiring and futile. You will never remember enough. But you can't help but try. He was running towards the construction site. It was raining and somehow the sky was still blue. I ran after him. What if I don't get there in time? Running out of breath, I bent over panting. When I looked up, I saw his figure climbing up the scaffolding. I ran, my heart beating faster than ever. Please God, give me more time. I climbed up the scaffolding in pursuit of him, and somehow I wasn't scared. When he reached the top he stopped. We could still hear the crowd yelling insults at him, blaming him of all the things he did. All the people he hurt. All the people he killed. "I'm gonna jump," he said. God, what do I do?! Tell me what to do? I looked up at the sky and saw it filled with beautiful clouds like cotton-balls. It had stopped raining. God, he killed so many people. Is he worthy of any salvation? Is he worthy of knowing You? Yes. I want him with Me. "Wait!", I yelled through the wind. "Look at the skies. Can you see the clouds?" He stopped and looked at me. "Count them. That's how many times you've sinned. But it's also how many times God is going to forgive you. Just repent. And His blood will wash you clean." Tears rolled down his face. "He loves you. No matter what you've done. He loves you, and wants to be with you. Would you like a new life with Him?" My son. Would you like to take a walk with Me? He nodded. __________ Hope you guys enjoyed this little story. I'm not very good at writing stories, but it came from a dream I had a few nights ago, and it just filled my heart with peace and gratefulness for what Jesus did on the cross. Hope it blesses you too in some way. I'll end by giving a song recommendation. This song is called "Is He Worthy?". I wonder how many times in our lifetime we've wanted to go back in time just to experience something all over again- to smell the homey scent of your childhood apartment, to embrace the person you love and miss, to roll down the little grassy hill after a family hike, to thank the teacher who brought characters from a storybook to life. There have been countless times where I'm simply strolling on the busy streets of Hong Kong that I suddenly catch a familiar scent from my childhood and I stop for a second and thank God for so many beautiful memories.
I recently watched the award-winning movie, 'About Time' and it completely changed my perspective of life. The main character of the movie is part of a family where all the men in the family could travel back in time and make changes. I won't go into the details of the movie, but the conclusion the main character made at the end of the movie was this: " I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day to enjoy it as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary life." This is my favourite quote out of all the movies I've ever watched. Last week during one of my classes, the teacher decided to give us a 5 minute break. Like the typical Hong Kong young people that we were, all the students took out their smartphones and scrolled through the endless chasms of social media. When the break ended, the professor said "I challenge you guys to go a few days without your phone." So then I raised up my hand and asked him, "Professor, have you tried it before?". He then smiled and replied "Yes. And it was great." He then went on the talk about how our society nowadays is so caught up in this virtual world and how it even affects our brain development. I heard it like an echo of the movie I had watched. I have yet to try his challenge, but I've put it on my "Before-20 Bucket List" among other simple, yet exciting, things to do as my teenage years come to a close. Since then, I've tried multiple ways to relish and taste every flavour of every day. I put my smartphone in my bag while taking the MTR (the Hong Kong equivalent of the subway) and just take out a book to read (I'm currently reading Mitch Albom's 'Have a Little Faith' and it's awesome). I take out my earphones on the bus ride back home and get off a stop early to take a little stroll back home. I try to put my phone down when my family members talk to me about 'trivial' things like "Ching! Can you take out the trash for me? Oh, and could you vacuum and do some laundry before you leave the house today?" Another experience that I had last week was a brief session of meditation during my 'Religion and Spirituality' class at school. The professor took us through the process of meditation, and honestly I was a bit scared because I had heard a lot of weird funk that had happened because of the New Age movement. So I used the time of meditation to thank God for every part of my body. "Thank you God for my toes and my fingers. Thank you for my legs that can walk every single day. Thank you for giving me life today and for the breath in my lungs. Thank you for my spine and my ears that can hear." I've noticed I've become more joyful these past few weeks after taking on this mindset. Everything around fills me with so much delight and joy. It's currently drizzling outside and I can hear birds sing (I like birds singing but I'm scared of birds haha). I love the feeling of when my feet are cold but my upper body is warm. I love the feeling of holding a mug of warm water in my hands. I love that I can feel. Who are we to decide which moments are less precious to us? What if today was the last time you could experience that particular ordinary feeling? When we are intentional about making every moment count and be grateful and mindful of where God has placed us, every moment becomes precious and extraordinary to us. Even though I knew this weekend would be really chaotic with tons of assignments, I decided to watch "Kimi no Na wa" tonight. The movie freaking BLEW MY MIND. I won't spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't watched it yet, but the whole concept of the movie is dreams and time. It's funny because it was only last night that my dad and I were talking about time and that I had a really strange dream last night.
So, my mom stayed in Malaysia for the past three weeks to teach some course in a seminary my parents used to teach in (STS). I've really really missed her and I'm so happy she's coming back tomorrow. But it's weird how these few weeks passed by so quickly and so sluggishly at the same time. And it's also strange to think that I've also grown older during these three weeks. In fact, I'm growing older as I'm writing this blog post, and soon I'm going to be an old 80 year old lady with a bad back. Time has always been a fascinating thing to me. If we can travel to a place backwards, then why can't we travel in time in the same way? So...Dreams. This morning I got up at 4:30am in the morning to go to the toilet. After that, I went to bed, hoping for a few more hours of peaceful sleep. Then suddenly I was on a bus and I was looking at a text a picture of my grandma (who had passed away in 2012) that my mom sent me. This picture was sort of moving around and suddenly a picture of my grandma appeared on the screen. Then suddenly I looked to my left and there was my grandma sitting next to the window.There was someone sitting next to her. Her hair looked really smooth and tidy and she looked so peaceful. I walked to the seat in-front of her and I looked at her. I think she smiled at me, but I don't really remember. Her skin looked so soft, and even though she still looked old, there was something youthful about the way she looked. She didn't say anything. I thought of hugging her or kissing her on the cheek, but somehow I just didn't do that. Instead, I took her hand and kissed it. I was so happy to see her that I started crying. But because I was sick (in "real life"), so I had a lot of phlegm in my throat so I couldn't make any sound at all. Somehow, I knew that if only I could make some noise with my mouth, then I could spend another minute with Por Por (my grandma). But I couldn't. I woke up suddenly feeling really strange. Even though it seemed like a dream. I know it isn't. There's just something different about it. On top of that, one of our teachers at school (Mrs Cheung) was talking about her mother passing away and grief. She said something like "My mom and I were on a bus, and she just got off on a stop earlier than I did." COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT! Anyways, seeing my grandma again was really a big blessing from God. It's great to see how well she's doing up there! - Salad The worst thing anyone could say to me is that I'm a disappointment. I try to live up to everyone's expectations of me and even thought I know it's not important, I still care. And the worst thing is, I think I've made the right decision and yet, they're still showing their disappointment in me. It makes me doubt whether I'll ever get their trust again. And it makes me so frustrated because there's nothing I can do about it.
It's not like I've done anything wrong so why are you disappointed in me? It's a process of growing up and everyone gives up things. Why is it wrong to give it up for now? Can't you just trust me that I've made the right decision for me for the time being? I love that thing and I will go back to doing it when I'm ready. I'm already disapppointed with myself for giving it up. Next time, please don't pretend to support me just to tell me after a while that my decision was a big disappointment to you. "What if I've actually walked past or bumped into someone that's a big part of my life now before?" I'm not sure if you get what this question is but whatever, it's something that's always made me so mentally itchy.
It's so amazing how random people from random places become friends. Like I've never thought that I would move to Hong Kong. That's the thing that's got me asking that question. On my somewhat regular visits to Hong Kong through the years, had I walked past my "future" best friends or teachers. I JUST LOVE IT!!! I have no idea why. Well I guess it's because I know I can't really see the grand scheme of my life. Like I know my purpose in life but I mean those little details that make me who I am and who I will be (personality wise). I've always made friends quite easily. But throughout my time in Hong Kong, I've made friends that stick like family. And I seriously love my school. Like not the workload and stuff. But just the whole atmosphere is so filled with love for each other and I think that this was only possible through God. I really really really love people and I'm so happy God created us. And I absolutely love the fact that we were made with the ability to love. Loving the people around me is literally the thing that makes me so happy. Simply love. Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. - 1 John 4:7 Something that I've experienced during my church retreat is that I've been able to get filled up by God. Something that I've been struggling with for quite some time is being loving to every single person around me. There's periods of times where I can achieve it and I force myself to. But I've failed multiple times because I've just been relying on my own strength and my own love capacity. I've always depended on God for different things but as hard as I tried, somehow I just couldn't rely on him for this. I knew I had to be filled up myself first, but with all the distractions around me, I didn't put my focus on God. All I did was worry about failing Him and worrying that I was going against my Christian values. I didn't want to be a hypocrite who told people to love one another, but didn't do so herself. I think it's great that I felt convicted and believed that there needed to be a change, but putting my focus on my mistakes and failures didn't help me in any way. Instead, it made me feel so guilty and shameful. And I really don't believe that God wants me to feel this way. In this retreat, I was really reminded of the amazing grace that God has for me. No matter how many times I mess up, he's gonna cover all of that, again and again. Well that doesn't mean I should abuse it, but it gave me so much reassurance. My identity isn't found in my mistakes or my wrongdoings, but in Jesus.
The fact that I'm loved despite all the "bad" things about me, gives me faith that I DO HAVE the capacity to love ALL the people around me. Often times I give myself the excuse that I'm not superhuman and I'm allowed to make mistakes. Knowing that I'm a child of God, gives me peace. It means that I come from God and He lives in me. And because of this, I know I can conquer everything that comes my way. One last thing. Knowing that I'm a CHILD OF GOD, gives me comfort and love in so many aspects of my life. I'll always be loved, I'll always belong somewhere, someone will always be pleased with me no matter what. This is what gives me my IDENTITY. Without the knowledge that God is my Father and I'm his beloved child, I'll lose sight of who I really am. |
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"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life." - Psalm 143:8 Archives
April 2020
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