Hello! In early 2014, around February, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. It has changed my life drastically and here are some of my thoughts and feelings during that time. I've read through some of my old diary entries to remember precisely what I felt at that time. So, one day my sister was giving my mom a neck massage. My sister felt that the place between my mom's neck and collarbone was slightly swollen and had some lumps on it. So my mom quickly made an appointment with a doctor. The doctor then told her that it could either be tuberculosis or cancer, then did some tests on her. I really really hoped that it would be tuberculosis. My grandpa and grandma had passed away because of cancer, and I didn't want that to happen to my mommy. I think after a week or so, my mom went back to the hospital to get the results. When she came back, I was on the computer and she patter me on the shoulder and told me that she was indeed diagnosed with cancer. For a moment I was so shocked. I mean, I knew there was a possibility. But it being confirmed was the worst thing I could ever hear. Knowing that there was a really big chance that my mom would die was so depressing, and nothing I've experienced before could compare to this in how much it hurt. After that, I just kept praying that the cancer wouldn't spread to other areas. I remember one time when my mom's scar from her biopsy had become infected and she had to go to the hospital. The next day, my sister and I had to bring her back from the hospital. But before we left, a nurse told my mom of the side effects of chemotherapy. It was horrible to hear all those things and imagining them happening to my precious mom. I remember feeling so dizzy and sick to the stomach. But I didn't want to make my mom worry, so I didn't say anything and held it all in. Then the nurse (who was actually really nice!) said that my mom should probably shave all her hair off, so that she wouldn't have to face the actual process of hair loss. During that time, I felt like no one (except my sister), not even my closest friends could understand what I was going through. I felt like they didn't care, and they rarely asked how my mom was. When I look back at it, i really don't blame them. What else could they have done? They've never experienced it before. I acted like nothing was wrong, but deep down I was angry with them. Fast forward to when my mom had finished her 2nd infusion of chemo. She started loosing hair. It made me feel like I was in physical pain every time I saw her like that. Fast forward again to after my mom did her 5th infusion of chemo. That day, she was extremely tired and slept like crazy. I was so scared that she would never wake up, so I checked on her a few times I think. Before/After dinner that night (I forgot), she vomited. It was so heartbreaking to hear my mama vomit. In one of my diary entries, it says "Life is like living hell right now." On top of my mom having cancer, my family was falling apart. I hated it so much. I cried out to God, "God, you're not doing anything! Please help us.... I feel like I'm talking to a wall...and honestly I don't think you'll reply. Mummy getting cancer was enough pain to last me a lifetime. WHY did you have to make it WORSE?!" Oh how mistaken I was..... My amazing and all-powerful God was moving in my life, but I just couldn't see it. In that time, the quote that really encouraged me was by Dumbledore from Harry Potter :"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." I knew that I couldn't let all the darkness into my heart. I HAD to fill it with love and light and those things come from God. I knew that it was only through him that happiness and joy could be found again. I think it was from then on, that I started becoming more dependent on God. And as I was reading through my diary entries, I realized that the closer I got with Jesus, the more joy I had. My mom stopped having chemo after her 5th infusion and used other methods for improving her condition. She said that she doesn't know what it was that healed her, but she is slowly getting better and better. Maybe she'll live a really long life, or maybe she won't. But I know that these things can't be controlled by me or anyone for that matter. It's just life. In a way, I'm so thankful to God that my mom had cancer (I even told her that). That's because it was through what happened that I was able to get so much closer with God, the ultimate Doctor and Healer. After that, my life has been changed for the better. Not because of my circumstances, but because of God's reassuring love and comfort. I know that whatever happens I'll have God by my side, even if I can't see it at the moment. Our God never changes, he never fails, and he NEVER abandons us. If any of you are going through a similar or the same situation, just know in your heart that our God is limitless and he is awesome in every way. He will not let you go through difficult times alone. He is HERE and he is ALIVE. Just continue seeking him and allow him to sustain you. He is our wonderful and loving comforter. Whenever I imagine myself with God, I see and feel myself falling onto this large super-soft white mattress. And as my body touches the mattress and it sort of envelops me, this overwhelming peace fills my entire soul. Jesus is like that mattress in a way. He'll cover you and hold you with more love than the entire earth could offer! Psalm 23:4 says this: "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Here's a song that I recently discovered, and I feel like my past self could really relate to it. It says: "And though I cannot see You And I can't explain why Such a deep, deep reassurance You've placed in my life."
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"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life." - Psalm 143:8 Archives
April 2020
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